Saturday Night's Alright

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this past Saturday night I got into my first (and hopefully last) bar fight. Don't worry, I'm fine and didn't end up in the hoosegow (that word needs to be used more). Here's the story.

Rachel, I, our friends Amy and Scot, Rachel's co-worker Dean, and his friend, went out to the bars for a night out. We first went to Coconut Louie's where there was a $7 cover for some death metal band. The bar was cool aside from the music. It is co-owned by the guy who owned Paulie's, which used to be Lizard's Lounge.

We then went to Shooter's for some more drinks. Although we thoroughly enjoyed the Baby Boomer Meat Market, we decided to visit Fat Jack's. This is where the fun started.

We were sitting near the bar when a guy rushed by and bumped into me. No biggie, he was in a rush to the dance floor. About 20-30 minutes later Rachel and Amy go out for a smoke (this will come into play in the story). So, I'm sitting there talking to Scott and Rachel's friend when the same guy bumps into me. I look up and he's standing there with that "I'm drunk and I think you have slighted me at some point in my life, I must now fight you" look. Drawing on my bar hopping experience I quickly deduce this guy is itching for a fight because:

He's picking on me
He's zombie drunk (no light behind the eyes)
Instead of continuing his path after bumping me, he decided (or the liquor decided) to stand there

Now, before anyone thinks I'm being egotistical about the first reason, let's think about it for a second. Regardless of what the outcome could be, maybe he's a tazmanian devil and would kick my ass, he's still got to be a little gone if he is going to pick on me from sight alone. I'm not a small man. But, I digress. So, upon running through the reasons for his behavior in my head, I stand up because I'm not taking a right cross to the head while seated.

Now this is where things speed up. Upon standing the guy asks if I have a problem. I inform him that he is the one who bumped into me. All I get is drunken gibberish to which I give him the universal sign to hit the road (my thumb pointed to the side). I repeat this sign language (as he is on a base level of communication) several times only to receive gibberish again. After my attempts to communicate with him (short of drawing pistures with crayons) I notice him tense and his eyes narrow. This is when fight or flight kicks in and I push him into the waitress rail to create separation. Drunk guy then regains his balance and launches a drunken cowboy punch which I easily duck and then return with a headlock (because I don't want to sort this out downtown). Just when I have him in the headlock I'm blindsided from the right. After thoughts of elbowing run through my head I quickly deduce it is a bouncer because if it was drunk guy's friend it would have been a punch. I relax, the bouncer leaves me, I then get to witness a beautiful sight.

Drunk Guy either tries to run to the back exit or is hustled that way by about 5 bouncers who proceed to introduce Drunk Guy to the side of a pool table. The bouncers then start taking him out front. On the way Drunk Guy tries to slip away or fight some more. Regardless of the intent, the bouncers then pig pile him into the floor. From there, Amy and Rachel fill me in on the rest of Drunk Guy's night. Apparently when the bouncers got him to the door Drunk Guy got to see the side of an SUV up close and personal head first, along with some goodbye punches.

The bouncers tried to escort me out until Dean and the bouncer who tackled me inform them I was not at fault.

So, it was a very eventful night. The last time I was in an actual fight, and not a stare down, was Junior High. Hopefully I can space out the next one for at least another 20 years.